Four years and two days

Six years ago, the weekend I just experienced would have been unfathomable. Back then my mom had just been diagnosed with cancer. I was withdrawn from my friends and spending every waking hour outside of work helping and taking care of her. "Free time" meant a half hour to decompress before bed after my mom settled in for the night. I was getting up early every morning to help her get ready and take her to work, while my weekends were filled with chores and shopping. The idea of a vacation wasn't just out of the question, it was the last thing on my mind! Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't trade any of the time I spent for the world.

That's why, as I boarded a plane to Orlando for a short two-day trip this past Saturday morning, my thoughts turned to my mom and how fortunate I am right now. Spending a day meeting up with friends made online, an evening experiencing some of the most ambitious dishes from some of the country's best chefs, and the following day learning from, and even meeting, some pretty famous people wasn't in the cards not that long ago.

I'm sure some people see that I've gone to Disney again and go "well that's stupid". But after four years of constant care and attention that required every bit of my focus, these trips that resumed months after my mom's passing in 2017 are alternately exhilarating but also bittersweet.

I realize how lucky I am to be able to get away as often as I do and it's not something I take for granted. Some people scrimp and save for years just to make one trip to Disney, but the truth is, one of the consequences of the most heartbreaking event in my life is that I'm now able to travel where I want and when I want. Between my Vacation Club membership and my annual pass, most trips only cost me airfare (helloooo Southwest sales!) and whatever food I decide to eat.

In a way, I'd like to think that my mom is smiling down every time I go. We both shared a love for Disney, and on one recent trip I wound up in a room number that matched part of her social security number of all things. It's a little sign. It might mean nothing... but it could also mean just about everything.

Myself and Disney Legend Bob Gurr

The great unknown that is our lifespan is one of the reasons that drove me to head to Florida for just two days. For the chance to meet an 87-year-old who created some of the greatest theme park attractions ever and worked alongside the great Walt Disney himself, and the 76-year old man who was hand-picked by Walt to portray Tom Sawyer, as well as the man who brought "The Dreamfinder and Figment" to life at Epcot in the 80's who is having major health issues of his own (Figment, by the way, sat on my mom's desk at her job for the better part of 20 years and now resides on mine).

Ron Schneider (left) the original "Dreamfinder & Figment"

None of us knows how much longer they'll be around, nevertheless how much longer each of us has on this Earth. Did I "waste" a weekend in Florida, or did I make the most of it? I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

Insomniac ramblings

Sleep can be elusive. When I laid my head down on my pillow two hours ago I was ready to pass out. Then the wheels started turning. And once that happens, well... forget it.

Somehow my random mental train of thought in all that tossing and turning brought me back to my blog. Here we are, nearly two years since my last post and nearly 15 years after I began it. I find it hard to keep up with, but it’s also a tantalizing way to share what’s running through my mind in certain moments. Tonight as I looked back at my college days, I began reflecting on how much I have changed in that nearly half a lifetime.

What would the sheltered, introverted, and awkward kid I was back then think of the person I’ve become? What would he think of my life choices? My career choices? And what would I think of that kid if I ran into him now? He’s still fundamentally me but in a lot of ways circumstances have changed me to become a much different person over the last few years. Would the younger me be proud? Would he even recognize who he has become?

From the kid who would freak out on unfamiliar roads to the guy who is now traveling internationally solo. From the kid who idolized the news business to the middle aged man who is thinking about leaving it behind for something different altogether. From the meek Disney fan to the outspoken guy who owns a piece of the World. I’ve grown into my skin and become comfortable with who I am, perhaps now more than I ever have been in the 36 years I’ve been on this planet.

Yet while some things change others remain a constant. I still struggle with my weight. With forging and maintaining lasting relationships. And both need to be my focus as I approach my 40th birthday in a few years. My physical and mental health is in my hands and my resolve must be stronger than ever.

This blog is proof that I’m not getting any younger (that plus my receding and graying hairline). If I want to grow to a wisened and ripe old age I need to take better care of myself and those around me. After all, I’ve done a lot of growing over the history of this blog but I still have a lot more to learn and experience.

Looking back is thought-provoking, but looking forward is inspiring. I look forward to a lot more posts to come, with this post serving as a positive turning point in my overall journey. Thanks for reading this far! And I swear: I’m not high and/or drunk... just in a deeply reflective mood.😀

2017: the year that beat me down, then kept kicking

As the minutes left in 2017 dwindle to a precious few, I find myself reflecting on these tumultuous past twelve months and hoping for much better days ahead. The first five months of the year flew as things continued apace while I cared for my mom the best I could. After her passing, I started focusing on myself a bit more. I worked out a bit, ate a little better, and went through a month of grief counseling.

Over the four years I took care of my mom I continuously neglected my own health. As I focused much of my time and attention on caring for my mom, I traded trips to the gym for nights on the couch and evenings out with friends for evenings with my mom chowing down on junk food. People would warn me that I should also focus on taking care of myself but I thought I was doing fine. In hindsight? Not even close.

While the summer and fall certainly had some highlights, including visiting my aunt out in the Seattle/Tacoma area for the first time and returning to Disney World for the first time in two decades, the issues with neglecting my own health for so long started to show. At Disney I was easily winded and felt, frankly, bloated. A visit to a doctor for my annual physical revealed the toll stress and neglect had taken on my system: my heart wasn't pumping as well as it should, I was retaining fluids that my system couldn't flush out, and my blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglycerides were all elevated to levels I hadn't seen before.

I packed on more than 70 pounds between August of 2013 and June of 2017. In my last license renewal photo I look like a totally different person. Much of that weight came over the last year. My mom needed to go to a doctor's appointment and I didn't have time to cook? I didn't care. Fast food became my go-to. Binge-eating junk food helped ease the stress. I could plow through an entire bag of chips in a sitting or devour an entire pizza without even realizing it. While I have lost nearly 35 pounds from my highest weight, I have left myself with myriad health issues I can only hope I can surmount.

As I deal with that, I'm also coping with an aging cat. My mom got Lucy when I was a freshman in college. She's is now 16 and a half, and a recent visit to the vet confirmed she's showing her age. I now have to give my cat IV fluids twice a week to supplement what her body can't process on its own.

Time is catching up with me. I need to turn things around soon.

A fresh, if not all that positive start

Blogging my way through the grief over the loss of my mother. At just shy of age 34 it seems unimaginable I'd be in this position, but welcome to the latest twist in my online writing experiment. I can't say the words to follow will be inspiring, or even remotely interesting to the general reader, but to me I hope they're cathartic.

My mom Kathy fought valiantly for four years against a rare type of cancer called Leiomyosarcoma. She was diagnosed in June of 2013, though we knew something was wrong for months before. She was having trouble walking, and it eventually turned out that she had large tumors destroying each of her hip joints. The odds of surviving for more than a couple years aren't great. That she survived four years makes her one of the ones stretching the odds a bit. Having said that: I take absolutely no comfort in that fact. I will say I am thankful that she is finally out of the shear physical agony her condition caused her, especially over the last year or so. Nonetheless, losing your mother, at any age, is traumatic.

A month ago my mom came very close to dying in the hospital, but a Hail Mary guess at an infection kept her around for another month. I went through intense grief during that period and had thought that perhaps I had a lot of things out of my system, but now I'm wondering if I wasn't masking things.That close call did give me the opportunity to treasure the little time I had left with my mom all that much more.

My biggest fear at this point is the fear of being alone. While I loved caring for and just being with my mom and I wouldn't give up a second of the time I spent with her, my personal life has unfortunately stagnated. My grandmother is 89, my aunt lives halfway across the country, and it seems that much of the rest of my family is estranged. I have some great friends who stood by me, even when I dropped off the face of the earth for a year after my mom's diagnosis. But as far as a dating life, or what to fill the extra time with, I'm at a bit of a loss at the moment. I want to get into the gym, to lose some of the 50 pounds I've put on over the last year, and the other 50 that I still need to lose on top of that. I want to eat healthier, to travel more, to do so many things, but right now at the one week mark since my mom's passing, I feel like I'm barely treading water.

For much of the last four years I cared for my mom at home. Over the last year or so she went in and out of the hospital due to various disease-related issues and a local rehabilitation center to work on her leg strength. Nevertheless I still spent at least an hour with her daily and made sure to call her every night around 8:00pm. For some reason her loss hits me hardest in the evening, right around the time I'd be calling her or she'd be calling me... even though those calls would only last for a minute or two. Maybe it's the solitude of being home alone in the evening. I am hoping that when I get back to work again that maybe this intense sadness that comes over me like a tidal wave will subside over time, but right now it's almost suffocating.

Every time I feel like I'm starting to do a bit better emotionally something else comes up and whacks me back into place again. This past weekend it was the shock of losing one of my mom's long-time friends to her own cancer struggle. Today it was the blinking of my home answering machine. After a 16 year absence from my life, my father decided to call from Florida and express his condolences. I just feel like once I'm starting to get things in check, something else comes along to knock me back to square one.

Hopefully with time things will improve, but right now I almost feel I'm in a worse place than I was a week ago. Maybe it's because last week was so chaotic, or maybe it just takes that long for grief to truly take hold. Either way, I won't hesitate to ask for help or counseling if needed. I've seen what pent up and stored away emotions can do, and I have no desire for those to ruin my life.

An introvert in an extrovert's world

There are two types of people in the world: extroverts and introverts. Most folks land somewhere in between. I myself slide pretty far into the "introvert" category.

For most people conversation with total strangers comes easy. Some extroverts can even get a sort of high from engaging with others. For introverts like myself, there are times when interacting with people can be really draining. Some may say 'get over it', or 'grow up', but it's not as simple as that.

It's probably not tough for anyone who reads this, and knows me in person, to have noticed that I've never been comfortable in large group situations. Get me in small groups of people I know and I'm at ease. Put me with a mix of familiar faces and total strangers and I start quieting down. Put me with one or two people who dominate a conversation and I'll shut down completely.

Tonight was one of those nights that reminded me that yes, there's no denying I am an introvert. And no, it's impossible for an introvert like me to even try to compete when you've got a person who's so extroverted, so hell-bent on talking that you can't get a word in edgewise.

So that's why, after a great dinner with a friend, I then found myself sitting on a bar stool for well over an hour while said friend got talked at (not with, but at) by an employee of a Connecticut TV station. I couldn't tell you what half the one-sided conversation they had was about, but I can pretty much give you the rundown of SportsCenter that was on loop at the time. The friend I was hanging out with is pretty outgoing, but even he was having trouble getting a few words into a complete sentence before he was getting interrupted. To make matters worse, I couldn't just leave since I was the one with a car.

It made for a pretty rough evening, and it was a reminder to me of just how lucky some folks are to have the "gift of gab". If I had my choice, I'd rather be outgoing and get a thrill from engaging with people. But that's just not me, and sometimes it really sucks.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Growing up, it seemed like summer lasted forever. Of course it seemed like winter lasted even longer, but that was when I still enjoyed snow so I didn't mind it so much. Nowadays, it's all just a blur. We sit here on the cusp of August with summer almost gone completely, and I honestly can't figure out where all the time went.

Scientists and psychologists say it's because we experience fewer "firsts" as we age, and as a result our brain skips over details of repeat events (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201004/why-time-goes-faster-you-get-older). That still doesn't explain why this summer feels like it's slipping through my fingers faster than last year did, and the year before that, etc. It's not like I've had fewer "new" experiences than I did last year or the year before.

The boffins say the key is to follow the cliche and to "live life to the fullest". Experience new things. Meet new people. Explore new places. Routinely make major life changes. And maybe that's the thing right now. For me, it really does seem like every day is just a repeat of the day before. Every week, a repeat of the week before. Same job, same living situation, same routine day in and day out. There's really no appreciable variation outside of great weekend days spend with friends and family. But that's only two days a week. The other five is just drab repetitiveness. Even vacations are spent at home, going through a slightly modified version of the same old routine. And this leads me to the crux of my post.

I'm dedicating the rest of this year to inching closer to being able to change some things up. Starting tonight (actually in about five minutes) my aim is to be hitting the gym daily and finally get rid of most of my gut. Not a major change in routine, but it's something different in my day-to-day and something to look forward to. 

Something else to look forward to: it's an ambitious goal, but I'd love to be able to finally move out on my own within six months. I'm pushing 30, and a six-month stay at home after college has sort of snowballed out of control at this point. While I enjoy spending time with my mom at home, it's long past time for me to be out on my own and enjoying the fun (and aggrivation) of being a homeowner.

My aim is to make 29 my year of change, with a fresh new outlook by the time I hit 30 next June. Here's hoping for success!

Back in action

First, let me say it's hard for me to believe it's been five years since I last updated this blog. To be honest, I'd almost completely forgotten this existed until I Googled myself a couple months ago. But then I looked back on it and realized it sort of gave me a bit of insight into my own life that I realized could be valuable.

Senior year in college is now a blur for the most part, but looking at posts helped me remember concrete moments in time. Some were good all-around (last day of college), some were good on the whole but with some bad parts (seeing a roommate's friend play a set at Eli's on Whitney), some were just plain rotten (a typical senior year day from hell), but they're all memories worth keeping. Looking back on this blog helps me fill in missing pieces in my own personal history in a way.

Some people keep diaries. Others just post their entire lives on Facebook. I figure that continuing this blog is a way to keep a private/public dialogue that you're all welcome to chime in on, without being slapped in the face with crazy posts like you otherwise would be on Facebook.

My ultimate aim here is twofold: keep an online diary, and stretch my writing abilities a bit. I've gotten so used to writing short form promo scripts that it's difficult for me to write posts that are even this length. At one time I used to be able to write in a sort of stream of consciousness form, but now I find myself rethinking things as I type, and trying to make sentences shorter than they probably need to be. The sentences you've just read were actually rewritten twice. I'm trying to shake myself of that habit.

So in the future, look for posts that are relavent to current events, random things happening in my life, and the occasional rant. I'll also be sharing my "music of the moment" from time to time since music has really become a much bigger part of my life.

This time the title is relevant. The lyrics, well, not so much outside the broad context of senior year of college. But I've probably played this song 15 times today alone. Calvin Harris working his magic with Example, a UK singer/rapper handling vocals.

Resurrected from the ether

This blog will soon return with brand-new posts. I hope writing more longform work will help my brain stretch itself a bit, in turn helping me in my day-to-day job, writing shortform promo scripts. It's too late for a coherent post tonight, but regular postings of new items will resume shortly.